The Chibi Menace
by pathlight
Summary: What happens when chibis go bad and poor old Sephiroth is stuck in the middle of all the mayhem? One thing's for sure, it will have humor, it will have satire , and by all means it WILL (eventually) have Cloud dressed as a rubber chicken!


The secretary happily swung the door of room 666 open, beamed inside and disappeared through the door. Sephiroth, in the mean time, lounged about in the hall. He had no idea why that airhead would be happy to go into a room like that. The name of the room itself was a dead give away. 'Damn Aeris' he thought angrily. 'She just had to be a goody two shoe and volunteer for charity work. Why did I even agree to this?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Pwease?" Aeris asked kneeling on the ground with hands clasped together and looking up at him with big, watery green eyes.

"No."

"Pwease?"

"No."

"Pwease? I'll give you a dollar." 

"No."

"Pwease? I'll be your best friend." Tears started to slide down Aeris' cheeks.

"No."

"Pwease?"

"What part of 'no' do you not understand woman! NO!"

"DAMMIT! DO WHAT I SAY!" Aeris leaped up her eyes in flames and grabbed Sephiroth by the collar. Fire burned in the background. 

It was a little known fact that under Aeris' kind and gentle nature lies a very vengeful and bloodthirsty spirit, which Cloud had unfortunately learned the hard way when he had prodded her with sharp sticks (he was drunk and ate a whole box of soap mistaking them for cake. What'd you expect?). Some how he found him self being barreled down on several times by an eighteen wheeler not-so-ice-cream-ice-cream-truck-but-more-of-a-truck-of-weapons-of-mass-destruction-military-vehicle-used-by-the-not-so-CIA-triple-agents-pretending-to-be-a-double-agent-pretending-to-be-an-agent-pretending-to-be-a-spy-trying-to-be-a-civilian-but-actually-FIB-run-by-high-teenage-drop-outs-with-dead-end-job-who-are-actually-british-secret-service-that-are-in-the-form-of-very-screwed-up-manga-artists-with-lack-of-better-imagination-and-ignore-this-if-you-are-very-annoyed-eighteen-wheeler-in-the-style-of-a-truck-which-looks-like-a-eighteen-wheeler-truck(Property of S-T Inc., All Rights Reserved) the next day......at an intersection......on all sides......in front of the firework factory. 

"You look awfully energetic for a person sick with the flu." Sephiroth pointed out, totally oblivious to Aeris' sudden change in personality.

Lightning suddenly cracked and a dark cloud hovered above Aeris' head. Her teeth suddenly turned into long bloody fangs and her nails into claws. She snarled and tightened her grip on Sephiroth's neck. 

"Say no again," She hissed in a style no different than a snake "and I'll wring you pathetic little neck and throw the rest of your bloody corps for the vultures to pick at. You got that Sephy?" 

Sephiroth gulped and hastily pushed himself away throwing his hands up in defeat. 

"Oh uh heh heh, did I say no? Well, you see, what I really meant was uh of course I'll do it!" he squeaked shrinking back. "Just...please don't kill me."

"You will? Why thank you!" said Aeris clapping her hands gleefully together, turning back to her normal old self.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Damn! Why can't anyone I kill stay dead?'

"Like, Mr. Sephiroth sir?" The secretary called, poking her head out the door. "Like, you can, like, come in now?"

Sephiroth twitched at the sound of her voice. It was enough to make a person's ears bleed. He slowly strode over and the secretary quickly shoved him in and locked the door. He could hear her sigh in relief. 'What is the matter with her? Whatever evil is in here couldn't be that bad could it?'

As if to answer his question, he felt a tap on his knee. Apparently, who ever it was wasn't wall enough to reach his shoulder, but he didn't know that. Sephiroth felt a chill down his spine and slowly turned around. 

To his surprise, no one was there. He scratched his head in confusion. A couple flakes of dandruff fell out. 'I really need to wash my hair'. He felt someone tuck at his coat. He whipped around; no one was there. Poink. Some one poked him in the leg. He turned around and again, no one. Crunch. Sephiroth's eyes widened and gritted his teeth as he felt something sharp sinking into his flesh. Once again, he turned around. And once again, he saw no one. 

"Alright you little bastards. Where are ya?"

Poink. Some one poked him as an answer. He turned around. Poink. He turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Poink. Turn. Soon, whoever it was had him twisting and turning in circles around the room like a mad man. He was nearly fainting from dizziness before some one finally spoke up.

"Dow here."

Sephiroth paused in the middle of a turn. He perked up his ears trying to find the general direction of the voice. He had on foot on the ground and the other pointed sky wards and both arms flung out. He looked to the left. No one. He looked to the right. No one. He looked both ways. No one. Hmm. Interesting. Too bad he never thought of looking down even after the voice had told him to. Some one giggled. A cruel, evil giggle that haunts him to this day.

"Yoo look wike a ballerwina!"

He cringed inwardly at that statement. Slowly he lowered his head and his eyes widened in horror. There in front of him stood a chibified version of Cloud *gasp* and Tifa *gasp* and Aeris *gasp* and Yuffie *gasp* and Barret *gasp* and Cid *gasp* and a small red puppy *awww*. They all looked exactly the same as their grown up counter parts except that they were bite size and had larger and cuter, or evil depending on who you are *cough* Sephiroth *cough* eyes. 

The chibi version of Cloud suddenly hit chibi Barret upside the head. 

"Yoo left da TV on again din't choo? *ooo*" 

Barret hung his head in shame, sniffed, and nodded. He dragged his feet towards the TV, head still hanging down in shame *awww-kssssst*. The 'awww' was suddenly cut short by static as Barret pulled the plug. 

"So. Who yoo?" said Cloud addressing Sephiroth by poking him with a mini buster sword. 

Sephiroth could do nothing but stand there with his jaws hanging to the ground and eyes threatening to pop out of its sockets. Evil was the first thing that came to his mind. Chibis. The second. RUN! Was the third.

Totally defying Newton's law of gravity, the great general Sephiroth scrambled up the wall and latched on to ceiling fan. 

"Evil demons from hell! Get away from me!" he shrieked uncharacteristically pointing an accusing finger at the bite size Aeris who did the first thing that came to her mind. She bit him.

"YEOWWWW!" 

Sephiroth flung his arm up sending Aeris flying across the room and splat against the wall. Oh sure. He himself is a little or less evil, but this? This is outrageous! This is prosperous! This is...this is...

Suddenly, something hit Sephiroth on the head. He looked up and saw the ceiling fan slowly falling out of the crumbling ceiling. Oh uh. 

There was only one thing left to do to avoid being squashed flat by an indoor avalanche. It was going to be painful, but it was better than calling the secretary for a latter and tossing away the last shred of dignity he has left. Slowly and reluctantly, he let go. 

Sephiroth had avoided an avalanche, but the chibis that broke his fall weren't quite that lucky. They were squashed flat as a pancake. 

"Well, that wasn't so bad." He stated. He noticed to small arms twitching at his side like he had grown extra arms and quickly scrambled off the ground. 

**********************************************************

"Hewo!" a voice said from behind him.

Sephiroth jumped at the voice. For the past three and a half-hours, he had stood facing a corner, trying to ignore the chibis. After hours of endless torture, he had finally come to a conclusion. If you can't see them they can't see you right? Wrong. The minute he had started sulking in the corner, the chibis swarmed all over him, yanking his hair, spiting in his eye, knocking him over the head with the buster sword, shooting darts at his face. It was times like these he wish he had his masaune with him. But noooo. They had to confiscate it. Too dangerous they say. Too dangerous his ass! Apparently they never had to deal with bunch of bite size psychos he was stuck with now. 'What do they know? Stupid bunch of stuck up no good shrinks.' Sephiroth thought.

"Hewo!" the voice repeated.

"Get lost Tifa." Said Sephiroth glaring at her.

"I not Tifwa! I Tiwa! An yoo ugwy!" She stated and kicked him in the shins before running to join the rest of her friends.

Sephiroth growled. His face turned bright red and smoke was literally shooting out of his ears. That's it! No more Mr. Nice Guy! Things are about to get ugly. Cursing, Sephiroth hobbled over to the chibis.

************************************************************

And things did get ugly. One hour later when the secretary unlocked the door, she most terrible, horrifying sight ever! Sephiroth was sitting in an armchair with a half dead look on his face and the chibis crawling all over him. Aeris was gnawing his leg, Tifa was busy poking him in his eye, Cloud was oh his shoulder banging his head with the flat side of the buster sword, and Cid was pulling and stretching his nostrils so wide, they threatened to rip off his face. Barret was sitting across the room aiming darts at Sephiroth's forehead and Yuffie was sitting on a desk busy swiping office supplies. The red puppy was huddled in the corner destroying of Sephiroth's shoe.

"Like, sir." The secretary said warily. "You can, like, go now, like yeah."

Sephiroth's face suddenly sprang back to life. He jumped up from the chair and started making his way towards the door. One by one, the bite sized psycho dropped off of him with the exception of Aeris, whose teeth was still latched on to his leg. He kicked her into a wall and left running through the door. He was finally free! FREE! 

**********************The Next Day***************************

Aeris walked up to Sephiroth and lightly tapped him on the shoulder. 

"Hey! Can you watch those kids again?"

Sephiroth stared at her for a nanosecond before flinging his arms up and running away screaming:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"


End file.
